Friday, September 2, 2011

My Introduction: A Lonely Kind of Life

I'm dark-skinned. I was born in Australia. I have a mother and a father who are still in love and an annoying but loving brother, and two sisters who pester the hell out of me. I live in a beautiful house which is only five minutes or less to the beach which I also love. I take singing lessons every week and have English tuition every alternate week. I just stopped paino lessons and completed up to AMEB Grade 6 in piano, and AMEB grade 5 in music theory. There is always food on the table, and we have never lacked anything. Don't take the absence of a fence around our house as a sign that we are not that well off. We are not rich, we are in between.  
My life would be, should be perfect, but it is not complete. I don't feel satisfied. True, it could be that I am not content and that I have to learn to be grateful for whatever life throws my way but I think that it is more than that for me. I'm lacking something - happiness. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I know many people think that happiness is not based on your circumstances but is in fact a state of the mind and I agree to that statement to a certain degree. My life is not miserable (I am not an emo grouch, no offence to you lovely emos out there) compared to people living in third world countries. But I can't help waking up every morning and reminding myself that I am so not perfect or normal. Yes, just as I am not entirely content (I am not ungrateful  don't get me wrong. I love my life, to the highest degree one in my position could) there are ones out there who take for granted the very thing I crave and long for - good health. What I would give for 20/20 vision, to eat normally without medication, to believe without doubts that my miracle, no matter how impossible it seems will come true. Being 16 has not been sweet. It's been hard. Life is a cruel bitch. The last three years have been hell for me health wise. I nearly died during this long struggle just to attain what other people foolishly ignore.
Lately, I have come to realize just how lonely my life has become. I'd like to think that if one were to look up the word 'hermit' and 'lonely' in the dictionary they would find my picture next to the description/meaning of the word. I'm home schooled. My parents are Christians and believe in abstaining me from 'social interactions' (note the sarcasm and exaggeration please.) with the world. I used to hate this, but now that I am sick I couldn't really give a rat's arse to be quite honest. And get this, NOW they are offering me the option of going to school because my mum is getting more tired as the days go on. Deary me, school? Are they freaking kidding me? SCHOOL? NORMAL SCHOOL? I am sick, and so not healthy enough to go to school. I find it hard to fit in enough at home never mind the whole new crowd at a school. Plus all schools are a hole. I think it would be better if I resided in this pretty little home, and studied here till I finish year 12. 
Okay, so now you want to know if I have friends. Friends? What friends? My so called best-friend fled 500 miles when I stopped calling her because I was so, so sick that I physically and mentally couldn't. Some friend huh? That's when I realized I kept the relationship running. But like all bad relationships, the cracks were made obvious and she left me for someone else. Hope that bitch runs out on her too. Now that leaves just three more. One, who I can chat to any time I want to, and then just stop talking to her for awhile, and then say hey a couple of months or so and it would literally be like nothing changed. She's freaking awesome. Then there's my lifelong childhood friend who gets me in ways nobody can and is beyond amazing. And there's my brainy friend who you can always count on. Well, at least I think so. But we're not as close as I would
like to be with someone. In fact I'm not close with any of my friends as I'd like to be. Something always stops me. It's almost like I keep a lock on my heart. My cold, cold heart that is. If someone were to read my mind they would be so disappointed. I'm not nice. I'm sinister, sarcastic, sneaky, and rude. Sorry I doubt I could alliterate even if I wanted to. But without the TRIO above, I really don't know where I would be. 
One of my friends came to visit me last holidays, (well the week she came to visit me was the first week of school but my mother gave me another week off because she had not marked all my books). So my really, really good friend came to visit me, which I was not really jazzed about since I was fretting about something the entire time. But it turned out to be bloody great fun and the minute she stepped out the door - I missed her.
Who would have thought, right? I have different relationships with all of my friends, but with this one I sometimes feel I don't know where we stand. But having her stay over made us closer. I wonder if she even knows that.
My brother (who is like my best friend - when we're together were inseparable - if he's not busy) is always at UNI and has a girlfriend which means he's practically NEVER at home. My married, pregnant sister is at home and not in a house of her own even though she's married because her cheating arse hole of an husband is in a third world country finishing his degree in Medicine. He's a phycopath - he takes the meaning of that word to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. 
My mum and dad are constantly at home since my dad works from home and my mum supervises my studying. So I see them twenty-four/seven every single day. Which gets really annoying. Did I mention my dad's a pastor, which means every week I see the same people.Yes, I'm a preacher's daughter. It's no picnic. In fact it's so bloody hard. So hard.

It's just so unfair you know? Fate has dealt me such a hard hand and I can't help feeling that I deserve happiness and completeness in all the areas of my life for once. I just want to be happy in this lonely life of mineI want to be needed, to be wanted. I want people to CALL me, instead of me always calling them. I want to be that friend that they can rely on, and that if they ever were sad, angry, lonely, or needing help, the first person they would think of to call would be me. 

I want to be someone's 3AM. 

I'm not being selfish. 
I'm just tired of being just a good friend, Sam's sister, or the Pastor's daughter. I'm tired of being ignored, and of being just another girl.

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